Marriage and Couples Counseling

with Edie Stone, MA, LPC, in Boulder, Colorado.

Helping couples reconnect and deepen their relationships since 1997.

BoulderCouplesCounseling.com and EdieStone.com

FAQ – What Happens in Couples or Marriage Counseling?

There are several main themes that we may focus on during a course of couples counseling. Learning conflict resolution, communication, or self-regulation skills will give you a more secure platform to do the heart-to-heart work of healing old wounds and developing a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.

1. Conflict resolution skills.

I am good with this. I was always the kid on the block who could see both my friends’ viewpoints when they were mad at each other. I would play with them on different days until they calmed down. Then we would all play at my house. 🙂  It is a little harder with couples, of course. But if you still hold a basic sense of love and respect for each other, you can learn to play together again.

Often, just following some simple rules for a structured conversation can get you to a place of renewed respect and appreciation. I have instructions and handouts to make this type of conversation easier.

In the beginning, if you have frequent, unproductive arguments, angry outbursts, or stoney silences, I will help you reset the tone of your conversations. But the goal will be for you to learn the skills to manage this yourselves.

 2. Communication skills.

Conversations are not contests. Winning an argument is a loss for the relationship. This may seem counter-intuitive, because most of us have been trained to compete in sports, business, or some forms of education. But in a relationship, a collaborative, win-win attitude is the goal, because a win-lose mindset creates pain and is a loss for the relationship.

Conscious Communication Skills. Also called: Active Listening, Active Speaking, Reflective Listening, Empathic Shared Meaning, Mirroring, or Non-Violent Communication. These are similar terms to describe skillful use of conversation to deepen your understanding and move your relationship forward.  BOX FOR THIS PARAGRAPH?

Conscious communication will give both of you an equal chance to express what is important to you. You get to feel heard and appreciated. In turn, you have the opportunity to really understand your partner’s concerns so that you can move forward to a mutual solution.

ACTIVE SPEAKING: For some people, speaking up for themselves can be scary. This is particularly true if you came from a family or former relationship where it wasn’t safe to express yourself. I will be there to support you emotionally, and help you find the words if you are stuck.

I will be coaching you in how to speak up for yourself using I-Statements and other tools. I will also teach you how to avoid conversation sabotage and catastrophes. For example, “I feel like you are being a jerk,” is not an effective I-Statement! It is a You-Statement in disguise. It will lead to a predictable defensive reaction in your partner, and you will both be back in the same old win-lose pattern.

I will help you fine-tune and pace your Active Speaking skills, so that your partner will have an easier time taking in your viewpoint. I will also encourage you to delve a little deeper into the feelings below your thoughts, and encourage your partner to listen to what your heart is saying.

Speaking up for yourself effectively is not easy for some people. But I will support and guide you, and encourage your partner to give you lots of appreciations!

ACTIVE LISTENING: For other people, the listener’s role is the harder part, because you are asked to refrain from going into a natural “Yes, but..” reaction. Instead, your job is to listen as clearly and as undefensively as possible.

Remember, as the listener, you also have the right to ask the speaker to slow down, repeat, or break their long statements into smaller chunks that are easier to remember and digest. I will model this new way of listening if it seems hard at first. I will coach you until you get it and start to reap the benefits of deeper listening.

Active Listening is not easy for some people. But I will support and guide you, and encourage your partner to give you lots of appreciations!

The actual skills in Active Speaking and Active Listening are not complicated. Most people can learn this in one session. The hard part is learning to slow down and use a conscious communication tool when either or both of you are getting upset.  See skill #3 Anger management and self-regulation, below.    link xxxx

3. Anger management and self-regulation skills.

If you are in a relationship that has a high conflict style, I will help you turn down the heat, and learn to fight fairly.

If you get into arguments that escalate into hurtful words or angry outbursts, one of the first things we will work on is establishing an effective time-out, in order to avoid further damage to the relationship.

NOTE: If criticism, sarcasm, contempt, or stonewalling have become chronic patterns in your interactions, please don’t wait. The sooner you learn to stop these patterns, the better chance you have for your relationship to succeed. See my article, How to Rein in the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Your Relationship. LINK

Three effective ways to improve your relationship:

A. Private couples sessions.

Benefits: We will weave all the important communication skills and tools into your sessions as needed. I will give you handouts and we will work with the issues that are most pressing for you. You meet in privacy at times that suit you best. Call my confidential voice mail at 303-415-3755 to schedule a free consultation.

B. Workshops.

I offer Relationship Skills for Geeks and Secrets for Successful Relationships several times a year.

Benefits: A quick, cost-effective way to get your relationship off to a good start, or to jumpstart your relationship if you are stuck. We will cover the important skills in Conscious Communication. Four evening sessions, plus a discount on two private sessions included in the package. See more at: link

C. Private relationship seminars

Half-day or full day sessions, scheduled at your convenience.

Private Relationship Seminars cover the material you most need in the time frame that suits you best. Seminars are best suited for couples who:

• are ready to move forward to improve their relationship
• desire the skills offered in the workshops, but prefer a private setting
• all levels:
  • are new to couples therapy, and want to have the best results in the shortest time
  • have some training using relationship skills and want to learn more
  • have some experience in using relationship skills, but have lost their edge and want to review or improve implementation
• have different work schedules or are coming from a distance

Please call me at 303-415-3755 to schedule a consultation if you are interested in a private seminar.