What Happens in Couples Counseling?

Discover the first four steps on your path to strengthening your relationship and creating a positive future.

1. Communication Skills.

Conversations are not contests.

Winning an argument over your partner is a loss for the relationship.

These statements may seem counter-intuitive, because most of us have been trained to compete in sports, business, or some forms of education. But in a relationship, a collaborative, win-win attitude is the goal, because a win-lose mindset creates pain and is a loss for the relationship.

Conscious Communication in Action

ACTIVE SPEAKING: For some people, speaking up for themselves can be scary. This is particularly true if you came from a family or former relationship where it wasn’t safe to express yourself. I will be there to support you emotionally, and help you find the words if you are stuck.

I will be coaching you in how to speak up for yourself using I-Statements and other tools. I will also teach you how to avoid conversation sabotage and catastrophes. For example, “I feel like you are being a jerk,” is not an effective I-Statement! It is a You-Statement in disguise. It will lead to a predictable defensive reaction in your partner, and you will both be back in the same old win-lose pattern.

I will help you fine-tune and pace your Active Speaking skills, so that your partner will have an easier time taking in your viewpoint. I will also encourage you to delve a little deeper into the feelings below your thoughts, and encourage your partner to listen to what your heart is saying.

Speaking up for yourself effectively is not easy for some people. But I will support and guide you, and encourage your partner to give you lots of appreciations!

ACTIVE LISTENING: For other people, the listener’s role is the harder part, because you are asked to refrain from going into a natural “Yes, but..” reaction. Instead, your job is to listen as clearly and as undefensively as possible.

Remember, as the listener, you also have the right to ask the speaker to slow down, repeat, or break their long statements into smaller chunks that are easier to remember and digest. I will model this new way of listening if it seems hard at first. I will coach you until you get it and start to reap the benefits of deeper listening.

Active Listening is not easy for some people. But I will support and guide you, and encourage your partner to give you lots of appreciations!

The actual skills in Active Speaking and Active Listening are not complicated. Most people can learn this in one session. The hard part is learning to slow down and use a conscious communication tool when either or both of you are getting upset.  See skill #3 Anger management and self-regulation, below.    link xxxx

2. Conflict Resolution Skills.

I think I  have always been a helper and a mediator. I was the kid on the block who could see both my friends’ viewpoints when they were mad at each other. I would play with them on different days until they calmed down. Then we would all play at my house.  ♥  It is a little harder with couples, of course. But if you still hold a basic sense of love and respect for each other, you can learn to play together again.

Often, just following some simple rules for a structured conversation can get you to a place of renewed respect and appreciation. I have instructions and handouts to make this type of conversation easier.

Tools such as a Couples Dialogue or Behavior Change Request help you to focus on what you really need, and let your partner understand how important it is for you. You can clear up misunderstandings and more easily negotiate a solution that benefits both of you.

In the beginning of our work together, if you have frequent, unproductive arguments, angry outbursts, or stoney silences, I will help you reset the tone of your conversations. But the goal will be for you to learn the skills to manage this yourselves. This will include practicing a Time-Out procedure, and learning other skills of self-regulation mentioned in the next section. 

4. Powering Up the Positives.

Creating more opportunities for positive, loving interactions is every bit as important as reeling in the negatives. Developing a daily habit of sharing gratitude and appreciation with each other is like making a deposit in the love bank.

Research actually shows that couples who express positive, connective communication (verbally and through body language) in a ratio of at least 5 positives to 1 negative are the couples whose relationships survive long-term. (John Gottman, xxxx) (it is also brain science ….)

Everyone has their own Love Language. It is possible to expand your Love Language to include new ways of expressing your connection and appreciation. Some people prefer tender words, others respond to tender touch. For some, flowers open their hearts. For others, an offer to clean the bathroom may sweep them off their feet. Some people like to be fussed over when they are feeling ill or sad. Others need more alone time before they can reconnect. The important point is to explore what your partner wants to receive, which sometimes is the opposite of what you tend to give from your own Love Language. (The concept of Love Languages is from xxxxx More in upcoming blog xxxx)